I'm from a new land, I come to you and...

I picked up Shadow Hearts: From the New World (it was... it was on sale at Amazon, ok?)... so far, I'm a little annoyed about how obtaining new abilities is a fucking minigame or sidequest for every character. Everything in this game is a minigame! Attacking, using skills, performing combos, buying items!

I hate, hate, hate, hate the way they do chests and items in this game. For the most part, chests are hidden by the camera angles (literally, if you can't see a corner because the camera is obscuring it, you'd better check it for a chest!), and there are plenty of hidden items you can't see, meaning it winds down into a "Bump up against every surface in the area while pressing X" fest.

The game is (so far) kinda meandering forward with no real purpose. It's like the characters just kinda bounce across North America and getting caught up ZANY events that have no real connection to each other. Allegedly, they're supposed to be hunting down some guy, but the game hasn't given me a particularly compelling reason for me to be doing it.

There's also the mysterious alleged "serial killer" (that looks like a terrible J ROCK/generic JRPG reject) and his lady friend, who I guess are going to be important. I say "serial killer" because I've seen no indication that he's actually a serial killer. And really, chasing a serial killer (that actually kills people) across the United States would've been a far more interesting approach then what's going on now.

	Johnny Garland is our intrepid hero. He's a detective working in New York, he has stupid hair (really stupid hair), has a camera to take photos (Snap Cards) of enemies, and sucks in battle and I hate that I have to use him in boss battles to get Snap Cards. He can manifest a glowing red sword, but no one's really commented on it yet, even though the big, horrible magic power of cosmic horror in the game is a glowing red energy. I guess it's a refreshing to not have every character saying "WOW JOHNNY THAT'S SOME MYSTERIOUS POWER YOU GOT THERE!"
	Shania is a Blonde, Blue-eyed Native American Princess, and I know, I know, they're building up to some SHOCKING PLOT TWIST where we find out she's not Native American at all! She can transform into elemental spirits by visiting The Temple of the Fayth ELEMENTAL SHRINE and getting tattoos on her back/vaginal region/ass. Naturally, her transformation sequences are embarrassing FMV where her clothes fall off, including her high heels. High heels: For ladies who fight with tomahawks. I don't really use her that much because she can't use magic and her fusions are kinda lame. Her personality shifts between "I'm a kind and gentle soul" and "I am a selfish, single-minded bitch" depending on the cutscene.
	Naten is Shania's protector and proof that Shadow Hearts is a-ok with giving men stripperific costumes, too. He's your standard issue "Big Silent Native American" fella, and half the time he doesn't even appear in cutscenes. He's the opposite of Johnny in that he excels in all areas of combat. He's probably my favorite character, because he's the only one (so far) that haven't wished would die in fire for their own stupidity. It helps that he acts like an adult.

Frank is an Brazilian Ninja that protects the United States. He's also the first of many characters that appear to have been created through mad libs in an attempt to make everything ZANY. That being said, I kinda like Frank. He's goofy, yet it's strangely endearing. I think I started liking him when I obtained the Cactus Saber by examining a cactus in the Grand Canyon, only to have Frank stick a hilt on it and make it into a weapon. All of his weapons are like this.

	OH GOD WHEN MAO OPENS HER EYES IT IS HORRIFYING.
	Just Us Guys: They're Gay, lol